(A child of the 60's and her little daughter Backlash)
Mary, 80, lives alone as she used to argue frequently with her son-in-law, John, and wants to avoid making things difficult for her daughter, Ling. You are a counsellor who Mary confides in as both of you got closer from weekly church services.
Ling only visits Mary once weekly to send her groceries and allowances. Ling and John usually go for holidays without Mary, even on Chinese New Year, and would ask their relatives to help Mary buy her necessities.
Recently, Mary’s doctor has advised Mary to remove her eye cataracts or she may lose her sight. As Ling thinks that no one would be free to keep attending to Mary after the surgery, she decided to withdraw Mary from the operation. However, Mary wants to undergo the surgery so that she can see better, as her hearing is failing, and be more independent. Her friends and sisters who had undergone the surgery also support her. However, Ling has been very discouraging and repeatedly insists that it would be very troublesome if the operation is not expectedly successful. They argued more and Mary begins to question the filial piety Ling has towards her. You tried to talk to Ling but she was stubborn and refused to let an outsider interfere with her family matters.
As Ling would be the one paying the surgery bills, Mary has no choice but to reluctantly agree to withdraw from the surgery. As a professional counsellor, how would you help Mary solve her dilemma?
I would probably talk to Ling personally (even if she thinks that an outsider like me as no right to interfere) and put her on a guilt trip. Mary is her mother and it is only right to take care of her even if it includes health expenses. Withdrawing her mom from the surgery for the sake of avoiding post-op responsiblities is just too much. If Ling adamantly refuse to let Mary go through the surgery, I'd try to search for alternative solutions to help Mary with the bills because her own health should be her top priority.
ReplyDeleteHi Sok Huang, considering the close relationship you've mentioned between Mary and the counsellor, I'm assuming that they are good friends? However, if I were a professional counsellor and were to deal with this issue, I would advise Mary to go for the surgery and perhaps, get her relatives to help persuade Ling or help foot the bill if Ling refuses to do so. If possible, I would personally counsel Ling about her lack of care and concern for her mother.
ReplyDeleteHi Sok Huang
ReplyDeleteI think Ling is worrying about the risk of surgery because Mary is old and secondly,intensive care is needed after the surgery. I would advise Ling to have a discussion with her family to decide whether should let Mary undergoes surgery and how to take care of her after surgery. Since Ling is the one who paying the surgery bill, we should respect to her decision and give necessary help. This kind of real story happened around us and reminds us to give more care to elders. Thanks for sharing:)
Hi Sok Huang, from the way how Ling had acted all along, I would think that she is quite a selfish person as she does not think in her mother's shoes at all, in fact most of the time she think only of herself.
ReplyDeleteAs a counsellor, firstly I would accompany Mary to the doctor and asks for an official letter stating why there is a need for operation and the chances of success etc. After this, I would approach Ling personally for a talk and using the letter to further reinforce the reasons for Mary to go through the operation. If Ling is still unwilling to help Mary, it is time to gather all my energy and focus on ways to raise the funds for Mary's operation.
Hi Sok Huang,
ReplyDeleteIt was a pleasure reading the post. It is very well-written, an account close to the heart, something that we can really relate to. =)
It is sad to hear that Ling lacks empathy for her mum and indeed, one might question her filial piety as a result.
If I were the counsellor, I will talk to Ling, on a personal front, and find out the reasons why she insists on not letting her mum go for the operation. Let her know that Mary yearns to go for the operation, especially when her hearing is failing. Mary wants to be independent as well, but having a poor vision will only make matters worse.
If Ling's financial commitments have been maximized and she is concerned about the operation fees, I will advise her on the means she could get assistance for her mum's operation instead of denying her of her rights to it.
If Ling still insists on her stand, I will personally initiate a cataracts campaign to help raise funds for my dear friend, Mary. Afterall, her health should be her top priority.
Hi Cindy, Soo Kun, Kent, Yuan Zhou and Crystal
ReplyDeleteYou all are really nice people! My family and her counsellor have tried very hard to persuade Mary to go for her operation but however reluctant she is until now, she still did not go for the surgery.
In response to Kent's comment, perhaps I should have stated in the post that eye cataract surgery is considered a rather common kind of surgery that does not require any hospital stay. It may be considerate to respect Ling's decision, but I do not think that an elderly person's health should be sacrificed for a young person's self-centred wishes.
Ling never has any financial problems. My family and her counsellor did not talk to her this time round as they have attempted to in the past and got into heated arguments. Of course, we do hope that one day, we as relatives and churchmates can help Mary have her eyes treated to let her enjoy the later part of her life. :)
Hi,
ReplyDeleteI think I would talk to Ling again to understand is there any other reason behind the decision. If its really due to the time to take care of Mary after the operation, I think I would encourage her to contact her relatives neighbours or even those day care centre to take care of Mary temporary till she recovers. Ling should put herself into her mum's position too. It is dangerous not able to see and hear clearly due to old age. Now, with the advancement in technology to remove the cataract, Ling should not deprive her mum from the surgery and allow her to feel more secure with a better sight. Health is still the top most priority.